Graduation day

Posted on November 8, 2011 by betzking

I’m graduating from a 10-year class in acceptance, held in my little 800 sq ft summer-cabin-turned-year-round-residence.  84 years old, it lists port-side toward the lake, floods regularly and has a living room couch as both dining room table AND business office.  While most of my friends have been in their “grown up house” for years now, I’ve remained in my “college student” house, largely due to student loans.

As an Enneagram Four, my perceptual bias is toward what is missing, with a nice bit of comparing myself to others, and a tendency to start sentences with “If only….” (also known as the cardinal sin of Envy).  This is a crappy bias to have, as it makes every single moment NOT good enough.  There has not been a greater place for me to work on this than in my cute but seriously challenged house.

10 years ago, when I first moved in, all I saw was the cuteness.   There was my adorable little fireplace, the view of the lake, the local pair of swans and the retired GM worker turned lawn-guy riding his John Deere tractor down the street in blue jean overalls.  What a quaint little town and cottage!  That didn’t last long.  Years followed where all I saw was the inability to throw a dinner party, the 1927 ‘summer cabin’ architecture, and the 65+ years of “do it yourself” renovations made by owners who knew about as much as I do about home improvement (think duct tape and wire coat hangers – I’m serious).  The swans attacked me in my kayak, the neighborhood developed a serious substance abuse problem, and the basement flooded with calendar precision each spring.

Add one goofy labrador retriever, one black cat, one husband & all of his possessions and suddenly we were looking like candidates for the show “Hoarding”.  The dog became adept at backing out of rooms, as there wasn’t enough room to turn around.  We humans got good at bumping into each other multiple times a day without taking it personally.  Our hips & shoulders sported perpetual bruises from banging into the edges of furniture and doorways.  We had not been out of each others physical view in over five years, and THAT makes for some creative marriage management.

Through it all, I practiced my acceptance, and wrestled my awareness out of what is missing, and into what is present.  Being-here-now, breathing, and too many gratitude lists to count eventually paid off with some honest moments of peace.  At first, it was if I’d shift into an alternative reality for just a second or two, where suddenly my couch/dining room table/office was a fine place to sit.  There would be moments where the whole living room would suddenly be more cute than crowded.  Just as quickly, the moments vanished, and I was back in the sinking shoe-box.

Over time, the balance shifted, until most of the time I resided in “enoughness.” Only occasionally did I curse the house in anger, or dissolve into self-pity and tears.  How I felt about the house became a spiritual litmus test.  If I could see the messy crowdedness as proof of a life well lived and full of love, I was doing ok.  When I avoided having people over because I was too ashamed, I knew I needed to do some work on myself.  It was like the couch was an accept-o-meter, measuring my ability to reside in the here-and-now with an open grateful heart.

About then, we started looking for a new house.

Have you ever noticed that once you put your notice in at a job, you suddenly can’t stand it there anymore?  So it was while looking at newer, bigger houses.  Our little cabin seemed smaller, darker and older each time we returned.   We would walk around houses double and triple the size of ours (which only made them 1600-2400 sq ft, not huge by any means) and wonder how on earth we’d fill it all up.

We managed.  Managed to find a house we adore, with high ceilings, whole walls of windows, room enough to walk and do yoga and put books on shelves, and our own little half acre of nature, including trees, water, deer, and all kinds of bugs, critters and plants.

Now there is a thawing in my heart, as I discover that I am not the lazy slob I assumed I was.  In fact, I love cleaning, and I love love love putting things away in places they fit into without a struggle, with doors and drawers that close fully on well oiled rails and hinges.  The dog and I can wrestle on the floor!  I am typing at a proper desk!  There’s a dining room table (in the dining room, of all places)!

As I get to know this new version of myself – myself with room to grow in – I believe that the Universe only gave me this house because I was able to accept the previous one.  Finding peace in the moment somehow allowed the moment to shift.

And hence I graduate… into a bigger house, and more importantly into a bigger knowing of what I can create when I stop trying.

 

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Spiritual but not religious: Following the spirit of the law, in spirit.

Posted on November 8, 2011 by betzking

Religion and spirituality are often used synonymously, the assumption being that religious people possess spirituality, while spiritual people practice religion.  However, a simple glance into the etymology of the two words is enough to conclude that they are speaking of very different dynamics, and should not be casually paired.

Religion, from the Latin religio, suggests a bond between humanity and the gods, and offers institutional teachings on how to best promote this bond. Spirituality, from the root spiritus – soul, courage, vigor or breath – speaks to an individual, experiential and existential search for, and expression of, personal meaning and transcendence without a mandatory institutional component (although institutional involvement is certainly an option).

Not only is it possible to be spiritual but not religious, spiritually non-religious people are a rapidly growing portion of the nation’s religious landscape.  They have discovered, whether tacitly or consciously, that adhering to religious doctrines often causes more psychological distress than benefit, where as spirituality is kinder and gentler to their minds and spirits.

Multidisciplinary research data now suggests that a growing number of people consider themselves “spiritual but not religious.” The 2007 Pew Forum Religious Landscape Survey finds that 16% of the U.S. population considers themselves to be “not affiliated with any particular religion”, making them the nation’s fourth largest “religious group” (with numbers similar to those of the mainstream Protestant churches).

Worth noting is that 5.8% of them say that – despite their lack of affiliation with any particular religious group – religion is important in their lives. The report calls these 1.8 million people the “religious unaffiliated.” Close to 100,000 of those polled actually used the phrase “spiritual but not religious,”  and the acronym SBNR is now in use worldwide.

But what do people mean when they proclaim themselves spiritual?  Dr. Bernard Spilka, Professor Emeritus at University of Denver, attempted to operationalize what he calls the “fuzzy concept” of spirituality by conducting a comprehensive review of literature on the topic.  He found that spirituality has three broad categories: 1) A God-oriented spirituality; 2) a world-oriented spirituality stressing one’s relationships with ecology or nature; and 3) a humanistic spirituality, stressing human achievement or potential.

God-oriented spirituality allows for connection with a higher power of choice.  Nature-oriented spirituality (sometimes known as Pantheism) allows for connection with and protection of the natural world.  Humanistic-spirituality allows for connection with the existential givens of existence – freedom, choice, death and loneliness – and the resulting hierarchy of needs for safety, shelter, love, belonging, esteem and self actualization.  These aspects of spirituality offer some of the same comforts as organized religion, and emotional comfort is one of the main reasons people seek religion to begin with.

Why has this category of religious nomad grown more rapidly than any other in recent decades? SBNR seekers are hungering for a personal connection with a higher power of their choice, while at the same time feeling hesitant about locking themselves into any one paradigm. The Pew Survey respondents admitted to perceiving religious people as judgmental and hypocritical.  They thought religious institutions were too focused on rules, and religious leaders were too fixated on money and power.   And they are often correct in their assessment.  Religion has historically been synonymous with the institutional promotion and protection of specific doctrines.  These doctrines define how members should act morally, and how their relationship with the divine should be tailored and tended to.  Hierarchical in structure, the few hold power over the many, creating a system of leadership that places the masses at the bottom of the pyramid while suggesting that those at the top are somehow more competent or more connected to the divine.

The religiously unaffiliated don’t buy the belief that any one single religion holds the complete truth.  Perhaps, like the Dalai Lama, they have come to believe that “it is more important to create a safer, kinder world than to recruit more people to the religion that happens to satisfy us.”  Consciously or unconsciously, they may have found that adhering to a personally defined spiritual belief system feels better than participating in a specific religious tradition.  The relationship with divinity is an intimate and individual one, far too vast for the dogma of any one tradition to comfortably hold as there are simply too many contradictions – between personal truth and institutional dogma, between religions claiming to possess the one true path to salvation and within religious texts.

Religion lends itself well to contradictions, and these contradictions can be bad for mental health. Attempting to reconcile an internal, unique and authentic definition of the divine along side of an external, conformist and institutional definition of that same higher power can quickly result in cognitive dissonance.  Cognitive dissonance is a phrase coined by social psychologist Leon Festinger, to describe the unpleasant state of anxiety that occurs when two conflicting beliefs are held at the same time   People process countless thoughts, feelings and behaviors each day, and like them to be in sync, or congruent with one another.  When thoughts, feelings and actions in the world are congruent, a sense of integrity results.  When there is an inconsistency among the three, a state of psychological unease occurs.

Using the example of a Catholic woman who greatly values her church community but is choosing to use birth control despite the church’s prohibition against it, four conditions must align to create the uncomfortable cognitive dissonance within her.  1) She must acknowledge that she has a choice (she can obey or ignore the prohibition).  2) She must execute the action (of taking the birth control pills) even though it contradicts her beliefs about being a “good Catholic”.  3) She must be aware of the negative consequences of her behavior (she must know that taking the birth control pill is considered a sin); and 4) she must be unable to rationalize her actions (i.e. she is not taking the pill to help with migraines or unpredictable periods, she is taking it in order to not get pregnant).

Participating in unrealistically simplified and dualistic beliefs requires and also causes what cognitive psychologists call “distorted thoughts.”  Distorted thoughts result from inaccurate interpretations of events.  There are a common dozen or so, with descriptive names like “over-generalizing,” “personalizing,” and “shoulds.”   If an employee gets a memo to report to the boss’s office, a common first thought is “what am I in trouble for?”  This is a misinterpretation of the event, a distortion known as “mind-reading”, and it causes the employee anxiety.     This self-sustaining loop of inaccurate thoughts causing feelings which influence thoughts can occur countless times a day, is largely habitual (often learned from caregivers who used the same distortions to explain reality), and comes with a long history.

The Greeks and ancient Israel laid dichotomous theoretical foundations in which body and spirit were separate, and that belief remains common to this day.  Matter and spirit are separated, as are earth and heaven, personality and soul, clergy and parishioners, id and ego, University of Name-Your-State and Name-your-State State University… the list goes on and on. This separation was a common topic of early philosophical speculation.  Consider Plato, who conceived of a soul, immaterial and immortal, which had its permanent home in the world of perfect Ideals or Forms.  Platonism considered the world to be an imperfect reflection of these ideals, and blamed the body and its lusts for hindering reunion with perfection. The Biblical story of the Fall describes humankind’s expulsion from Eden as a result of Eve’s desire for knowledge.  It demonstrates both the separation of heaven from earth (God in Eden, humanity cast out into the secular world) and the separation of the Divine Feminine from her rightful place at the side of God (Eve as an equal partner to Adam, or Goddess as feminine counterpart to God). These unrealistically simplified polarities continued through history, and today the words “right” and “left” are applied to no end of warring ideas and factions.

This insistence that the truth comes in only two sizes sets the perfect stage for dissonance, as institutionalized religious beliefs  necessitate that events be interpreted in a distorted fashion.  “Either/or thinking” is present in the belief that one is either inside the flock or outside of it, either doing it right or doing it wrong, either saintly or sinful, either leader or follower.  “Filtering” is at play when a religion is able to filter the validity and humanity out of other religions in the assumption that theirs is the “right” one. Placing heaven at the end of life is a form of “time-traveling.”  Placing hell at the end of life is a form of “catastrophizing” or “what if” thinking.   Double-binds can occur when neither option available is a good one; a gay fundamentalist Christian for example can either be a gay “bad” Christian or a good Christian who denies sexuality.  Either way, it is a lose/lose situation.  Consider this quote from a study of 4,000 Catholic and Protestant women who wrestle to keep what is good in their religion and allow for truths that they feel but cannot find:

I find my current ideas about God at best paradoxical, at worst contradictory and full of tension.  Brought up in a firmly patriarchal tradition, my habits of prayers, meditation, and study are all shadowed by patriarchal imagery, deeply ingrained.  But my experiences as a female person…are continually transforming not only my sense of who or what I am, but my sense of the nature and identity of God.  I often experience a profound longing for an immanent, nurturing ‘maternal’ force in my life, but have difficulty catching more than a glimpse of a parental, rather than a paternal God.

Research has shown time and time again that the more distorted thoughts one is thinking, the more likely one is to be depressed or anxious.   The brain does not know the difference between a real or imagined event.  If a student is catastrophizing about failing a test, the brain will respond to that fear with increased levels of cortisol and adrenalin.  The body will then respond to the chemical intervention by speeding up the heart and respiration, which the brain will then interpret as further proof of danger, sending more chemicals to help.  A distorted thought tips the first domino, and a powerful combination of chemicals and emotions assure that the rest will fall.

Just as four conditions must be met for cognitive dissonance to occur, social psychologists have found four ways to alleviate discomfort from the dissonance. The good Catholic woman taking birth control pills can : 1) change the offending behavior so that it corresponds to her belief (stop taking the pill); 2) add a new thought to lessen the anxiety caused by the offending action (plan to confess the sin and pay penance each week, and continue taking the pill); 3) attempt to ignore the dissonance; or 4) change the thought or attitude to make the behavior seem acceptable (decide that it is not necessary to follow the letter of the Catholic law – only the spirit – continue to taking the pill and practicing her faith).  Changing the interpretation of an event resolves most cognitive distortions as well.

Spiritual but not religious people, by applying these strategies, are able to find a comfortable place to rest their existentially weary souls and bodies, as it allows them to keep the beliefs and practices that they find meaningful, while discarding the parts that feel incongruent.

Granted, there are liberal versions of religion which do not tend to cause cognitive dissonance because they avoid exclusionary absolutes, such as The 7 principles of the Unitarian Universalists :

•          The inherent worth and dignity of every person;

•          Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;

•          Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;

•          A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;

•          The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;

•          The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;

•          Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

and the Unity Church, which seeks to be “free of discrimination on the basis of race, color, gender, age, creed, religion, national origin, ethnicity, physical disability or sexual orientation.”  The Unity Church even uses the phrase “spiritual but not religious” on it’s literature, in an attempt to establish itself as the church for those who don’t like church.

These inclusive and non-judgmental faiths result in less cognitive dissonance among members than the more rule-bound religions do, offering members the same community, rites of passage, comfort and communion found in traditional religion.  And religious people are not without their own cognitive strategies for creating existential self-comfort.  Dr. Kenneth Pargament, who researches the relationship between religion and well-being, has identified three ways in which people access God during times of hardship; some leave it to God to take care of the problem, others collaborate with God to solve the dilemma, and the last group does not seek God’s assistance at all, preferring to take care of the issue themselves.

The spiritually unaffiliated also pair well-being and spirituality, in an individualized combination of faith, free will and personal accountability.  They are hybrids in their synthesis of east and west, thought and feeling, of self and others.  Research shows that these spiritual free agents are “more likely to engage in group experiences related to spiritual growth, more likely to hold non-traditional “new age” beliefs [and] more likely to have had mystical experiences. ”  Another polarity they seek to reunite is that of religion and pop-culture, through the creation of what Belgium sociologist Adam Possami calls “hyper-religions”, in which facets of religious traditions are combined with elements of pop culture.  Jediism (Star Wars), Matrixism (The Matrix) and Da Vinci code-breaking Christians are all examples of hyper-religions, which are meant to be “consumed and individualized” in ways not possible for traditional religion.    Spiritual people create kaleidoscopic belief systems with colorful pieces from all areas of their lives.

Yet caution must be taken not to set up a false division between religion and spirituality; the overlap between the two is substantial and the church does not own the right to pray any more than spirituality owns the search for the sacred. People do not chose the religion they are born into, and there is no great courage required to stay there.   Whether one chooses religion or spirituality is not important.  What is important is that one chooses. To be spiritual but not religious is not easy.  It requires enormous courage to leave the safety of a well-tended flock and to walk through the world balancing certainty that one’s truth is true, with open receptivity to change and a fair amount of judgment from the major religious groups. Unlike the cognitive dissonance caused by staying in a religion that is too small for one’s spirit, the existential angst of personalizing a spiritual belief system will not result in physical and mental illness, but rather in recognition of the Divine Light within, regardless of what it is called.  The 13th century mystic and poet Rumi captures this all-consuming quest in lovely simplicity:

All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea. My soul is from elsewhere, I’m sure of that, and I intend to end up there.

A Google search of the phrase “spiritual but not religious” takes three-tenths of a second to retrieve 5 million results.  Irrespective of the particulars of the results, this suggests that an enormous search is taking place both concretely and metaphorically.  Spiritual but not religious seekers may not know exactly where they’re going, but like Rumi, they fully intend to end up there.

Endnotes

Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life (2007) U.S. Religious Landscape Survey.

Spilka, B. (1993, August). Spirituality: Problems and directions in operationalizing a fuzzy concept. Paper presented at the meeting of the American Psychological Association.  Toronto, Ontario.

Festinger, L., Riecken, H., & Schachter, S. (1956). When Prophecy Fails: A social and ssychological study of a modern group that predicted the destruction of the world. New York: Harper Torchbooks.

Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapies and emotional disorders. New York: New American Library

Winter, M. T. (1995).  Defecting in place: Women claiming responsibility for their own spiritual lives.  New York:  Crossroad.

Seligman, M. (2006). Learned optimism: How to change your mind and your life. New York City: Random House. ISBN 978-1400078394.

“Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations.” Our Unitarian Universalist Principles.  Accessed July 19, 2011.  http://www.uua.org/beliefs/6798.shtml

“Unity: A positive path for spiritual living”.  Honoring diversity within the Unity movement. Accessed July 19, 2011.  http://unity.org/association/aboutUs/whatWeBelieve/honoringDiversity.html

Pargament, K. I., Kennel, J., Hathaway, W., Grevengoed, N., Newman, J., & Jones, W. (1988). “Religion and the problem-solving process: Three styles of coping.”  Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, v27 n1, pp90-104. ISSN 0021-8294

Zinnbauer, B.J. (1997). Capturing the meanings of religiousness and spirituality: One way down from a definitional Tower of Babel. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, Bowling Green State University

Possamai, A.  (2007).  Yoda goes to the Vatican: Youth spirituality and popular culture.  The Charles Strong Lecture Series.  1-17.

Pargament, Kenneth I. “The Psychology of Religion and Spirituality? Yes and NO.”  International Journal for the Psychology of Religion 9, no. 1 (January 1999).

Rumi, J., & Barks, C.  (2004). The essential Rumi.  New York: Harper Collins.  Pg 2.

 

 

 

 

 

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She was here first

Posted on August 28, 2011 by betzking

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The only Goddess energy America has is officially under attack…

Posted on August 27, 2011 by betzking

I’ve become involved in a campaign called “Hail Columbia”, which has formed in response to Rick Perry & the New Apostolic Reformation’s formation of a group/movement called the DC40.  The are proposing that the name of the District of Columbia be changed to the District of Christ, and have used words like “prayer warfare” when describing the cross-country rallies. Members of the Pagan and Wiccan communities consider “prayer warfare” to be black magic, which is just fascinating, all things considered.  (More info here: http://www.40daysoverdc.com/ but don’t listen to it until you’re prepared for a heck of an adrenaline rush – I think the voice over might be George Dubbya).

Their state-by-state rally is designed to “to effect eternal change in our nation’s capitol so our elected officials can govern from a new position of uncompromising light and understanding as we change the spiritual atmosphere over Washington DC forever.”  (The bold italics are mine, because that is a very scary sentence).

They’ll be here on Thurs Oct 27th, although nobody is quite sure where….  (Feel free to research this in all of your free time).

They’ve actually said they want to take the “pagan goddess out of Washington”.  I’m impressed that they are even tuned into this “divine feminine” metaphor.  The name Columbia and the Statue of Liberty are the only Divine Feminine metaphors we have in this country, which makes me wonder what they’d like to do to the Statue of Liberty given the chance: put an apron on her and show her bare feet?  Nail a big wooden cross behind her?  Take her light away and give her a spatula?

Then there’s the whole separation of church and state thing, and the narcissism required to put Christ in the capitol when not all Americans are christian…

Whew.

Ideas and contacts needed and welcome, thanks.

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Doubt on the spiritual path.

Posted on December 30, 2010 by betzking

Religion (one holy book, one building with required attendance and one appointee who will speak to the divine on your behalf) has never worked for me. Spirituality (many books, all locations and easy personal access to the divine) has been a much better fit for my angst ridden soul.  I had hoped that taking personal responsibility for this choice would result in a warm and fuzzy faith.  I have friends who float a few inches off the ground when they walk because the white light and goodness is so bright in their beliefs.  Theirs is an angel populated, karmically justified universe.    My universe – not so clear.

I doubt my spiritual path more often than I feel certain about it.  I am a Pagan (but not a Witch), Priestess of the Western Mystery Tradition ( without a Temple), and champion of the Divine Feminine (who does not believe that the Divine has a gender). Finally, I am an existential psychologist, and firmly believe that the “givens of existence” (Death, Isolation, Freedom and  Meaninglessness) drive many an angst ridden seeker to lock down a belief system simply to secure an afterlife, companionship, boundaries and a mission statement.

Only recently am I becoming comfortable this, as I recognize that my doubt is what informs my faith.

Faith requires a lack of certainty, also known as doubt, and I have a plethora of doubt!  Doubt keeps my mind open and my ego in check.  It fuels my humility and my willingness to engage in inter-faith dialogues.

I often envy those whose commitment to their spiritual path appears effortless.  To be a sheep in a well tended flock, whether mainstream or alternative, sounds comforting and empowering.  Yet always I return to the fore-court of Apollo’s temple at Delphi, where the inscription “Gnothi Seauton” (Know Thyself) captures the only path I can unequivocally swear allegiance to.  And since true self-knowledge can only be apprehended in relationships with others, my commitment to Serve the Light – in it’s myriad of forms – is the only spiritual discipline I have.

If my suspicion that doubt is a prerequisite for faith is valid, then I am one faithful Pagan (but not a Witch), Priestess of the Western Mystery Tradition ( without a Temple), and champion of the Divine Feminine (who does not believe that the Divine has a gender).  But I doubt it’s that simple.

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A Heart-Centered Holiday Anthem (with gratitude to Dar Williams)

Posted on December 18, 2010 by betzking

It’s called The Christians and the Pagans.

The Christians And The Pagans

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The Sunday Soup Hobby

Posted on November 22, 2010 by betzking

I got chosen to be an audience-participant at a local production of “The Putnam County Spelling Bee” last night, and the director asked me if I had any hobbies. My mind ran through several places of employment, and then went blank. “Uh….. hobbies… .” Then I changed the question in my own mind to “what do you do that makes you happy?” and answered “I play the djembe in drum circles,” spelling “djembe” for her (because it was a play about a spelling bee).

It troubled me that I didn’t have an obvious and easily stated answer to that question. A good drum circle is hard to find, so that doesn’t happen very often. I can crochet a mean granny-square, and am half way decent at Resident Evil 5, but I wouldn’t call them hobbies. Was I that lame? Or work addicted? Thankfully, the previous blog posting reminded me that I frequently bike ridiculous amounts of miles, for mostly obscure reasons. That’s a hobby.  Whew – saved from lame.  Still… both biking and drumming require leaving home. What about an “in-house hobby”? Does decadent couch lounging with dog, cat, spouse and very silly pajamas count?  If so, I proclaim it my favorite hobby of all time as I never ever tire of it, it totally makes me happy, and I’m not half bad at it.

I was trying to reach that very destination today, but there was a mountain of chores in the way. Late afternoon found me at the cutting board, dicing carrots and listing to music. It was time to make the weekly “Sunday soup”, a staple in our house because we get home so late on most week-nights. Warming up a bowl of soup is the fastest way to the couch, dog, cat, spouse and silly pajamas, but my previous career as a cook left me a soup-snob. Hence, home made soups or no soups at all. Bowl of soup
Sometimes I make a pot of soup while listening to a particular artist. “Van Morrison soup” is a particular favorite (but not the stuff you hear on the radio, it has to be his more esoteric spiritual stuff). Seems like the angst-ridden musicians produce the best soup – something about how the minor chords and existential lyrics infuse the chopping and sauteing.

“This is the real hobby, right here” I thought, “I’ve been doing it forever, I’m good at it, and it makes me happy”. Plus, I often think it counts as a meditation. A consistently sized dice – whether carrots or celery or onions – is a precise work. The feel of the knife as it rocks back and forth, the rhythmic beat of the chopping against the background of music and bubbling broth, these never fail to plant me firmly in the hallowed-here-and-now. There is a Zen saying, “Before Enlightenment chop wood carry water, after Enlightenment, chop wood carry water.” It is speaking of the place where “every day” and “holy” overlap. I chop vegetables and carry broth every Sunday. “Every day” and “holy” overlap in a big old pot, and our bodies and spirits are fed from the contents. Plus it makes the house smell great for the whole week.

I’m not sure when I’ll next be asked what my hobbies are, but I hope I remember to say “I make soup on Sundays”. Sometimes, the obvious escapes me.

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The Dark Night of the Bike Rider’s Soul

Posted on September 20, 2010 by betzking

I went on a 30 mile bike ride yesterday. The one before that was a 100 mile, before that a 65 mile, and before that a 25 mile. Regardless of distance, they all involve a dark-night-of-the-soul.

The traditional dark-night-of-the-soul experience involves transcending some facet of the ego in favor of the spiritual. It’s a two parter: purification of body and then of spirit. Here’s how it looks on a bike…

Distance cycling is not a ride around the park, literally or metaphorically. When one mounts a bike and will not be getting off for the better part of an entire day, pacing and patience become important companions. So at first, the focus is on the body, the bike and the environment. Muscles need to warm up, kinks need to work themselves out, and the weather needs to be fully appreciated (or cursed). The purification of body has begun, and is aided by sweet fresh air and oxygen and sweat. For a time, this is enough. The motion of pedaling, the feeling of sun, wind and muscles, the sound of gears, companions and wildlife; it is enough to “be here now” as Ram Dass advises.

And then the rider is propelled further into the dark-night-of-the-soul. The body begins to protest, and discomfort arises. A hunt for the perfect riding posture ensues. Shift butt on seat, sit up straight, turn knees in while pedaling, slide back on seat, lean forward over handlebars, hook thumbs, unhook thumbs, shift butt on seat (and repeat).

The mind naturally tries to figure out how long this will go on: “10 miles an hour, on average and it’s a 65 mile ride, so that’s 6 1/2 hours without breaks, probably 8 hours total.” Shift butt on seat. “But maybe we’ll go faster sometimes.” So maybe 7 1/2 hours.” And we’ve been riding 2 hours.” “Crap.” Sit up straight, unhook thumbs. “5 1/2 more hours.” “More than twice as far as we’ve already gone.”

At this time in the dark-night-of-the-soul, nature usually provides some environmental assistance in one of two forms: head-winds or hills (sometimes they occur together). Head winds blow against bike and body making everything more difficult, thus speeding up the bodily purification process. Every spot at which air meets body is a spot that must be pedaled through. More effort and strength are required to keep the pace. It is similar to running in soft loose sand – so much effort for so little gain. The mind does more math: “OK, so we can’t keep this pace with these head-winds, we’re gonna lose a couple miles per hour.” Shift gears. “It’s gonna be like 6 hours – Against wind like this?!?” “I wonder how many pedal-rounds that is, I should count how many revolutions are in a minute, and then an hour and then six hours…”

Hills present even greater opportunities for bodily purification. Hills announce themselves on the horizon, you know they’re coming and you have time to prepare (or curse). But regardless of how optimistic the self-talk is, or how much speed one gains prior to approaching the hill, any hill worth its weight (not to mention wait) will eventually hurt. Quad muscles maxed out, lowest gear possible, a biker’s mantra on the exhale: “all-most-there-all-most-there” or “keep -go-ing-keep-go-ing” or “insert-profanity-of-choice.” If enough speed is lost, balance follows. If balance and speed are available, it is at the expense of glucose and oxygen. The purification process continues.

Thankfully, also typical of dark-nights-of-the-soul are fleeting sweet moments of mercy. The hill top is reached. A 45-degree turn reduces the head-winds to a mere breeze. Lack of pain is pure pleasure. For a time, the mind is still, content in the “now”. Then, inevitably, the bike turns into the headwinds, or the mind returns to the math, or another hill taunts from the horizon.

This cycle of hard, harder, very hard (curse words) followed by the bliss of simplicity can happen many many times in a long ride. Each one feels like the worst one yet, until eventually, the really worst one yet arrives. It is here that the dark-night-of-the-soul process shifts from bodily purification to spiritual purification.

Most spiritually profound moments (regardless of religion or tradition) can be boiled down to one of two inner-states: acceptance or fortitude, a.k.a. being in the moment, or trying to change the moment. In the dark-night-of-the-bike-rider’s soul, these states can be peddled through time and time again. Acceptance of the distance, the discomfort, the head winds: “ok, just pedal, just breath, there is no destination, there is only now…” Then a fierce battle with the hill, or the pain, an anger at the absurdity of trying to defy gravity and nature when the game is rigged in their favor, “(Insert curse word) hill, you can bite me!” Pedal while standing up. “You will NOT take me down.” The inner cheerleader tries to help, “It just looks impossible, just keep peddaling, just don’t stop.” “You can do this.” “Just don’t stop.” A moment’s respite. Ride. Repeat.

On this last ride, headwinds aided MY purification process. We rode for miles and miles against a hot September wind that blew over even more miles and miles of corn and hay, bringing with it crop dust and animal dander and the smell of fertilizer (a.k.a. shit). For a time, I was able to be with the challenges. Then suddenly I would be filled with rage and feelings of vicitimization, and I would need to shift (again – figuratively and metaphorically) into a tougher gear, a fighting gear, a gear of fortitude. Just as suddenly, I would reach my physical edge, recognize that acceptance was the only option remaining, and rest for a time in the enough-ness of cranking the cog.

In this – the darkest part of the dark-night-of-the-soul – it became clear to me that acceptance and fortitude were simply other words for yin and yang, for receptive and active, feminine and masculine, lunar and solar. And while this insight excited me, it also worried me.

Years of working with people in psychotherapy has taught me to beware of polarized or dichotomous thinking, as things are rarely that simple. Falsely created division is responsible for much of the evil of the world: the division of body & spirit, heaven & earth, entitled & disenfranchised, right & wrong, white & blue collars, perfect & failure, Christians & Pagans, U of M & MSU… the list is endless.

Yes, polarities are present, both on the bike and off the bike. And while there are only TWO polarities, there are countless variations where the two overlap. There is a sweet spot to be found in the unification of acceptance & fortitude. I call it wisdom. It’s larger than either state, able to observe both, and intuitively knows how (and when) to move between the two. It does not attach to one or the other as better. It rolls with the landscape, sort of like a bike.

Once the place of wisdom is reached, dawn breaks the dark-night-of-the bike rider’s soul. This does not mean that the hills and head-winds go away, or that the reminder of the ride is without strife. It just means there is a faith that this moment is a good enough moment (even if it’s not really) because it’s the only moment available. It is a settling in for the ride.

This dark-night of the bike rider’s soul is present in every ride, and if familiar with the concept, most riders will tell you when it occurred for them: “that one big-ass hill that came after those two other hills”, or “my gears were stuck in high and I didn’t want to stop and fix them, but after like 8 miles I just lost it.”

I frequently consider the possibility that I hate distance cycling, despite the many trips taken each year, but I keep going, so I know I don’t hate it. I just hate the dark-night parts. Yet, just like clients in therapy, I recognize that these dark-night experiences give me the opportunity to feel the abstract polarities of acceptance and fortitude in a very concrete fashion. Try 100 miles in one day and you’ll see what I mean.

Spiritual purification in service of enhanced soul-contact? Not sure what that looks like (or how to get there). The moment of truly settling in for the ride? That one I know. It looks like riding a bike, and I get there by pedaling.

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The master and the elf

Posted on April 20, 2010 by betzking

(SAMI was a residential treatment center for mentally ill addicts. It had no budget, supplies or support, and got no respect, lucky breaks or funding. Luckily, it had elves and masters…)

Once upon a time there was a Zen master who ruled over a very chaotic kingdom – SAMI-land – which was frequently at war with surrounding regions. Although he was only one man, he managed to temper the impulsivity and absurdities of his followers simply by breathing and being himself. He had spent no shortage of years being impulsive and absurd himself, and since he had grown to be a master, he held space that others might come to see the same in themselves. He had faith in the face of darkness, for he had spent many years in darkness, and had emerged whole and holy. He was, in short, imperturbable.

Nonetheless, the master was only one man. His Lords and Legion in the Motherland frequently misunderstood the needs of his land, and there were nights when, despite his best efforts, he was unable to clear his head and be truly present to his family. On those nights he would run miles and miles, letting his loneliness and frustration leave him with his sweat, eventually calming himself for another days battle. “If only I had some help in this war” he thought to himself, although he would never ask, or admit to the need aloud.

Shortly after one of these angst ridden runs, the Motherland sent to him – as if by magic – the requested assistance. But…. it came in the form of a small magical elf. She was 180 degrees from a master, but he withheld judgment and maintained an air of curiosity. “Elves and Masters, they need to spend more time together” he told himself, and as he believed – so was it true for him. He built a friendship with the Elf. It wasn’t hard to do, for she brought to his kingdom the same passion for promotion and protection of the people that he felt, although her ways were vastly different than his.

Eventually, inevitably, there was a battle. Enemy troops invaded the land of the Master and the Elf, seeking to take both land and supplies. Word was sent to the Motherland, but no assistance arrived, and they resigned themselves to fight alone.

Stationed at the front line of battle, Elf and Master fought side by side to protect SAMI-land. The Master would calm himself and then project that calm imperturbability out into the enemy camp. The Elf would conjure up all of her life force, center it in her solar plexus, and WILL things to be different. Together, and very likely with the grace of God/dess, the enemy was driven back, although not destroyed.

Master and Elf sat together after the battle, drinking warm cups of coffee. They reviewed the battle and their strategies, and speculated about what had worked and what hadn’t.

“Do you realize Elf”, said the Master, “that apart we are very different creatures, but together we create something greater than ourselves?” “I think it’s called ‘synergistic’”, Elf replied, “it means we’re bigger together than we are apart.”

Master nodded then, in silence, and they sat for some time, contemplating the way of things, and the way of each other, and the process that they together trusted.

Years later, Master was called to a new battle station, and Elf was promoted to care for SAMI-land. Their final meeting was held in the small cluttered battle tent on the edge of enemy lines. They sat in silence, as was their way, and then spoke of daily things… the sun rising, the children playing, the green of the corn and the slight chill in the air. Then, without formal goodbye of any kind, the Master moved out into the world, found his solar plexus, and willfully projected his life force into his new position. Elf breathed and practiced an air of imperturbability as she watched him walk away.

Of course, they met many times after that – in regional gatherings of strategy…. And Elf had magical delivery-owls, and Master had telepathic lines, so they spoke regularly. Blessedly though, it didn’t matter if they spoke or not, or if it was a month or a year. Their time together in the battle of SAMI-land had forever cemented them as kindred.

And as they believed, so it was for them.

They, and their lands, lived pretty much happily ever after, even when they didn’t.

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A fishy moment in therapy

Posted on April 3, 2010 by betzking

A client arrived for our session with a lovely angel-fish in a baggy. No longer allowed to have a fish-tank at home s/he wondered if the fish could live in my tank, rather than facing execution-by-toilet.

A boat-load of traditionally trained psychotherapists instantly filled my thoughts with a cacophony of reasons why this would be ‘bad-therapeutic-form’ – it was a sign of transference, I was being cast in the role of ‘mother’ to the fish, and albeit to the client, the client was seeking special status in my office and caseload, and what if the fish brought a bacteria and killed everyone in the whole tank? What if the fish died?!?!

Breathing deeply, I called on my two psychotherapy spirit guides. They’re not dead, so I don’t really call on their spirits, but I call on the spirit in which they have conducted psychotherapy throughout their illustrious careers. One is a dear mentor and professor, Dr. Sid Berkowitz, and the other is the existential psychologist Irvin Yalom. Both believe that the relationship between client and therapist is the most powerful tool of healing available in psychotherapy.

“What would Sid do”? I asked myself, contemplating the fish in the baggy. I had no doubt that he would accept the fish with open arms (or open tank in this case).

“What would Yalom do?” This one was simple. He would accept the fish, and then engage in a discussion of what sharing the care of the fish said about the relationship between the two of them.

When my inner-Sid and my inner-Yalom agree, I take heed, so I accepted the fish, and we talked about what it meant for our relationship.

Fast forward to a voice mail from my office, on my day off, telling me the angel fish had died, and had been disposed of, (reverently, of course). When the client arrived, s/he noticed right away, and we talked briefly about it at the beginning of the session.

At the end of the session, I checked in again, saying:

“I try never to say ‘how did that make you feel’ because it’s so darn corny, but I’m going to now – how does it make you feel that the fish you entrusted me with died under my care?” The client insisted that s/he was not troubled by it. I persisted. “You said it was quite old, and had lived a long time in your tank. Then, you bring it to my tank, and it dies.”

The client replied, “Yeah, but it lived under great stress in my tank, it was pretty toxic in there. It probably didn’t know how to survive in a healthy environme…. Oh… I just described myself…”

I got goosebumps, which is always an indication of “a good moment in therapy”.

The hour was over and the client went home pondering an insight that I had been trying to facilitate for a long long time.

This is the magic of psychotherapy that keeps me coming back. It can’t be created, it can only be recognized when it arrives in the hallowed-here-and-now.

Sometimes, it’s disguised as a dead fish.

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