I was gone, but I’m back now. Darn!

I had a transpersonal experience the other day, in which 90% of my ego seemed to vanish, and I felt as if I had no ‘edges’.

There seemed to be a plane of energy, intersecting at my heart, rippling everywhere at the same time. Because it went through me, I also went everywhere at the same time. I felt completely present, without angst or craving, in a blissful state of beginner’s mind.

I was a passenger in a car as it was occurring, listening to some good Van Morrison, looking at the sunlight on the lake and the lush foliage of summer. Each passing moment seemed perfect.

Then, my eyes fell on something that triggered a thought about something anxiety provoking. I could literally feel the energetic constriction, as my heart tried to close. I countered the contraction with deep breaths, and re-focused on the rippling plane of energy. This happened several times, the opening and closing of my heart, the expanding and contracting of my energy field.

Last weekend I heard an NPR interview with Thich Nich Hahn. He was talking about how the world needs people to keep their hearts open in the presence of suffering, for this is how compassion is generated. I had a new knowing of what open feels like, and of how easy it is to close.

F.E.A.R (false evidence appearing real) is the opposite of that open-heartedness… I could feel it constricting the compassionate, peaceful perfection of the hallowed-here-and-now. Rather than being one with everything, fear wanted me to believe I was alone and in danger of loss, abandonment and judgment.

Needless to say, I certainly preferred the feeling of being “without edges”, firmly planted in the eternal-moment. It was astounding how quickly that moment was lost in fear thoughts, most of them about the non-existent future.

So for a few glorious minutes, I was 90% NOT me. Thank goodness I’d lost myself! The remaining 10% recorded the experience as both a psychologist and a priestess, so that I could remember and review it later.

But soon enough, “I” was back, ego firmly ensconced in the driver’s seat (passenger seat, actually), sights set on the to-do list that leads to the future.

I’ve always wondered why people meditate, but if this is where they go, even for a few minutes, I understand the value in a whole new way.

Van Morrison has a song about the search for enlightenment, and how often it is futile… (click link below)

I guess I got to experience it for a moment or two because I wasn’t searching… which means I can’t really “find” it again… I just have to wait and hope that maybe I’ll disappear again sometime soon.

Enlightenment – by Van Morrison

Chop that wood
Carry water
What’s the sound of one hand clapping
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

Every second, every minute
It keeps changing to something different
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

Enlightenment, don’t know what it is
It says it’s non attachment
Non attachment. non attachment

I’m in the here and now, and I’m meditating
And still I’m suffering but that’s my problem
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

Wake up

Enlightenment says the world is nothing
Nothing but a dream, everything’s an illusion
And nothing is real

Good or bad baby
You can change it anyway you want
You can rearrange it
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

Chop that wood
And carry water
What’s the sound of one hand clapping
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

All around baby. you can see
You’re making your own reality. everyday because
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is

One more time

Enlightenment. don’t know what it is
It’s up to you
Enlightenment. don’t know what it is
It’s up to you everyday
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is
It’s always up to you
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is
It’s up to you, the way you think

(Originally posted 6-13-09)

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